Book Recommendation

This morning I woke up feeling like I should get up before anyone in my household and write a little about a book that I read recently. It was recommended to me by some dear sweet friends, and they gave it to us for Christmas.

The title of this easy read is "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. In the book, the author gives an account of his four-year-old son, Colton, who almost died. The little one had a burst appendix that was not treated properly for about five days. In the months that followed their sons recovery, Todd and Sonja discovered he had actually taken a trip to heaven. Without putting their ideas into his head, they tried as best they could, to extract information from their young child. I won't spoil all the interesting details, but one incident really stuck out to me for obvious reasons.

The Burpo's had one older daughter, and experienced a miscarriage before their son was born. One evening Colton walked to where the family was gathered and announced to his mother that he had two sisters. Sonja quickly corrected him saying "no you have only one sister". To which he replied, "no, I have two sisters; one here and one in heaven." Of course, his mom wanted to know more. So, she pumped her son for details. He could remember that a little girl in heaven wouldn't stop hugging him, and she kept telling him that she was his sister. When the mother asked the sister's name Colton said "she didn't have a name because you never named her". This detail was true. The Burpo's had miscarried so early in their pregnancy that they did not know the sex of the baby. Thus, never gave her a name.

This book is a faith builder. We may have an idea about heaven in our minds. Some details we just dream up, however, the Bible does give us some accounts. But, rarely do we hear more from those who have almost passed than the "bright light" experience. After reading this book, I can actually picture our Emma in heaven with her relatives who have gone before her.

One image my friend recently came up with-of course in my life I believe it was from God-has also helped me picture Emma in heaven living. She said that life right now can be compared to life in Europe during the Middle Ages where the classes were very distinct. We, here on earth, are merely the peasants. We have work to do. We have to clean our clothes, hunt our food, and go through the labor of gardening for our vegetables. Emma, however, was especially chosen to live in the castle as royalty. She is being raised in the royal nursery of the King and is living a life that has no worries, struggles, or work involved. Really, as far as our children go, she is much better off than the three who are here with us.

Todd, my husband, helped me very early on when we first found out our news. I kept saying "Poor Emma. I just hate she has to endure this hardship and this defect". He was quick to point out that Emma will never have a scraped knee, virus, or hurt feelings; that she is actually so much better off than we are. Having this type of faith has helped both of us, knowing she has a life, it is just much better than the one we could have provided for her.

I do hope this is encouraging to anyone who has recently had to give up their loved one to death on Earth. I take the time to write these things down for no other reason than to help. May God Bless you on this journey!

The Story of Emma Grace Bittle

This is a copy of all the notes I took along this journey. I posted it here for all of those interested to know the entire story. I admit it is long and it is raw. I will try to be more faithful and update our blog as God allows time. Thank you for reading!

Andria Bittle


The Story of Emma Grace Bittle

January 2009- Andria feels God prodding to have another baby

February-April 2009- Andria and Todd continue to pray and talk about the possibility of going off birth control and having a fourth child

April 1 2009-We officially go off birth control. Dr. Mason advises us to go ahead and start taking a pre-natal vitamin

May-November 2009- Todd hears from God that Andria should be taking extra folic acid while we are trying to get pregnant. They don’t know why exactly, but Andria takes the supplement. Month after month Andria has cycles that are not normal, no pregnancy. We had many conversations that we may have heard wrong and God did not want us to have another child. We give up counting days after cycles and just leave things up to God as we know we should always do.

December 2009- Andria takes a pregnancy test in mid-December. Positive result. Very excited, yet also wondering if this baby will miscarry, or come too early to be saved…why am I feeling this way?

February 1 2010- first appt. with Mason; he agrees to be our doctor; we listen to the heartbeat and he has a hard time finding it; Andria immediately thinks he is not going to find it and that her fears and concerns are playing out as an early miscarriage

Early March 2010- Andria starts to have a strange itching all over. I looked up online some of the things that could cause it and become alarmed that it may be a sign of something going wrong….go to the doctor for regular appt., it is nothing. Heartbeat very strong and found immediately-not like last time.

Tuesday April 6 2010- At this appt. we find that our baby has anencephaly – we are shocked, but feel God has actually prepared our hearts for losing the baby ahead of time. I remember looking at the doctor and at Todd and saying through tears “we’re going to be o.k”
We go home and just cry; try to get on with things in front of the kids. We didn’t want to tell them immediately. I learn that Todd already knows what the condition is because he had come across it in his study for work.-another way God is preparing us

Kay and Bill call us to eat dinner that night before our group meets.
We go to the group meeting that night. Darren has things to share about Philistia- Josiah(our friends 11 month old) distracts everyone with his first steps and Andria looses composer thinking “my baby will never have the opportunity to walk” I run to the bathroom. After Todd consoles me he gathers everyone in the living room and we tell them about our sweet baby. We all cry and pray.

Wednesday April 7 2010- second ultrasound done by our neighbor confirms the diagnosis and we find out we are having a little girl-Hattie’s sister! We go to Panera and meet Bonhams and Macs (Lisa and AnnaLee) We talk about the ultrasound and how God is ultimately going to use this pregnancy/baby/the way we walk it out to His glory!

While Spencer is doing his school work today he looks at me and asks “did we find out if our baby is a boy or girl? Is our baby healthy”? I realize we are going to have to tell the kids sooner than later. So, we tell them that night when Miles is in bed. Spencer seems a little angry not understanding why God would give us the baby and then just take her back. We tell him that everyone created has purpose and work to do on earth. When that work is done, it is time to go back to God. He immediately asks what work could a baby do if she is not alive very long? We tell him that it is how we handle this situation that is the work. The baby is just providing a way for us to show other people God.

Hattie is a little weepy, but doesn’t say much. While I am tucking her in that night she shares with me that she is so sad that she won’t get to have a sister is her room. Then she says “do you know what will cheer me up? A puppy named fluffy. A small dog that could live in our house” I just smile and know that she is going to be ok. The innocence of being so young is truly going to help get her through.

Thursday April 8, 2010- since we told the kids I felt it necessary to tell the neighbors. These are people after all that the kids will be seeing immediately. I send out an e-mail to a few and ask them to pass on the word. Of course I got so many e-mails in return of heart felt sympathies and I am so sorry.
Amazingly I am feeling o.k. I do not weep all the time, I can smile and enjoy the kids. We continue on with school and activities just like normal. Todd calls his parents to let them know, of course they are very upset. With baseball at 5:00 and soccer at 5:30 life must go on. There are other responsibilities and I just keep feeling like my other kids need, not only me, they need my smile!

Friday April 9, 2010- Todd calls and tells my dad the news. I e-mail my brother and sister. Regina calls me late Saturday. I talk to Eddie the next day Sunday? I think

The kids have been well. We talk about Emma and our circumstances often and in only little snipits. Our neighbor across the street had a very heart felt talk with Spencer one day. His wife has recently gone into the nursing home with altheimer’s. Spencer was over there and he asked how Jim’s wife was doing. Jim said she was fine. Spencer asked “Is she going to die?” Jim replied “no not right now, she is doing ok”. Spencer said “I hope she doesn’t die, but if she does she can help God take care of our baby sister”. Jim said he immediately had to go in or boo hoo right there in front of the kids.

Hattie came in after playing with the neighbor boys one day. I asked her what she was talking about on the sidewalk with Cody and she told me that she let Cody know that her baby sister was going to go be with God after she was born. Then she told Cody that she wanted to be with God too, because it was a lot better than living here on earth. Cody explained to her that it wasn’t a good idea because she wouldn’t get to be with her parents if she went to heaven. Her reply to that to me was “I guess I am just smarter than a nine-year-old!”.

When we have Bible in the mornings there have been many opportunities for talks about Emma Grace. We were discussing miracles of Jesus and how we didn’t actually get to see them with our eyes, but we can see God working through other people. Just like those around us will see God working through us during this hard time losing our baby sister. Spencer was curious as to how people will see God work. In detail I told him how some mommies with this news may walk around very sad and stay in bed all day, or cry all the time. I asked him to consider what my reaction had been and he understood what God was helping me deal with.

Friday April 16, 2010- Our group went to the Neil Greenhaw concert. He was doing a fundraiser for a singles group in town, but we all went to hear him play because Lisa had taken pictures of his baby girl. He shared that he and his wife had a miscarriage before having their daughter. He was sharing the pain of losing a baby and of course all this touched me. I cried uncontrollably during a few of the songs about God’s love, power, and grace.


June 14, 2010
We went to Big Cedar this weekend. One thing that stood out was Dr. McChristian’s prediction that I would deliver at 33weeks. His wife explained that he seems to have a “knack” for predicting delivery dates. Right now I am at 31 weeks and Todd is in Las Vegas. The other thing that was different and outstanding was a conversation with Dr. Wendell of UAMS in Little Rock. He was very encouraging and honoring to what we are doing with carrying Emma to term. I have not been speechless…ever in this entire ordeal, but his comments made me speechless. He just was in awe of our strength. He said that families like us were heroes to him.

I am having contractions and know the delivery is soon. My prayer is that my body can wait until Todd gets home. God, please control my body and grant me my husbands presence during this difficult time.

Dear Sweet Emma Grace,

I love you so much already. I feel you daily and can’t wait to see your sweet face. It is so hard knowing that I won’t ever be able to care for you the way I have my other babies. I long to wash your sweet little body, hold you, cuddle you, nurse you, and dress you. My family feels so complete knowing I have another little girl. There are so many cute little dresses you will never wear, and so many fun tickle times I will never experience with you, so, my heart aches.
But I am also so glad that you will never feel the pain of this world. You will be home before any of us safe in the arms of Jesus. I know my heart will always have an empty spot until we can be together for all eternity praising our King forever.
I have shed so many tears for you, my darling, but I know God will carry us until we can meet again and live as one big family. Your name says it all-God’s grace is universal and covers us entirely. His Grace is sufficient!
I love you!
Mommy

June 19, 2010
After our Big Cedar trip was over it was time to face what we had on our plate for the rest of the summer. Since we had heard the news of Emma Grace’s defect in April, the delivery date still seemed so far off. After all, I still had school to accomplish and a trip to Branson to plan. The day we were to leave Big Cedar I felt a huge weight on my shoulders. I wanted to beg Todd to just stay an extra day. I didn’t want to go home and face what we had planned next-the delivery and death of our sweet daughter. On the way home I remember getting a phone call from Beth Ann. It was one of the first times I remember breaking down and crying on the phone. I usually had enough grace to at least get through the conversation before the tears came.

When we got home I felt very convicted to finish the book I was reading written by Barbara and Rebecca Rainey. I had the privilege of visiting with Rebecca’s sister, Ashley, at Big Cedar, and wanted to read how their family handled the funeral. The book had been so difficult for me to read. I was getting to it in small spurts because of the deep sadness, but I knew it was a loose end that if I tied up would help me. So I spent most of the evening in tears.

Todd left the next day for Las Vegas. We had prayed about this decision. His company would have certainly given him a pass for the meeting. But, we both had tremendous peace about him taking off across the country knowing God would guide us through whatever was to come. Remembering that Miles was born at 30 weeks when Todd was away and I was now at 31 weeks. The very night he left I started having contractions.

This seemed like I was hitting replay from two years ago. Kay had volunteered to come and stay the week with me. I had told her I would be fine, but the contractions made it very clear that I did need help. I also called my sister-in-law Shannon and she volunteered to come stay with me as well. So, Kay came Tuesday morning and Shannon came Tuesday night and stayed until Todd got home on Thursday. My contractions stopped as soon as I enlisted the help of those who wanted to come and stay with me. I was learning that sometimes it is not about me. Sometimes God wants others to give of their time and serve me. I am NOT to mess with that plan by refusing help out of pride.

I did well until Wednesday night. Shannon took her kids and Spencer to his baseball game and the contractions came stronger and more frequent than ever. I was having so many that I lost count. The doctor had said if I had more than five in one hour to go to the hospital. I knew this was happening, so I texted Todd and asked him to come home as soon as possible. I thought that I would deliver soon. I was immediately trying to determine what I had done that caused this labor. I felt so sure that my “lesson” was learned after letting people help me. After I talked to Pam, she helped me realize that this baby is in God’s hand and His timing and no matter how much labor I had done that day, God is in control. I felt much better and knew that what she was saying was truth.

Todd called and we decided he should try to change his flight and if he hit a huge roadblock he would stay. Within an hour he called back and told me he was able to leave the next morning at 6:00a. I felt so much better. He got home on Thursday around 1:30p and the contractions had already stopped.

While I had been on bedrest with all the help, I had time to make some phone calls and prepare some things for Todd and I to start making decisions about Emma Grace’s funeral. With the contractions coming we knew we had to start making plans and preparations for the hard days ahead. I just felt this would be easier the more decisions we made ahead of time.
So, on Friday, Kay came back up to Fayetteville to babysit while we went to the funeral home and cemeteries in the area.

Our first stop was Stockdale Funeral Home. We sat down and decided on a casket, got an idea about visitation/ memorial service and a florist we might use if God does not heal Emma Grace. From there we drove to one cemetery then the other. When we got back in the car we decided to spend some time asking God together, to show us where He wants us to go next and what other steps we should take.

The next morning Glen came by to pray with us. We prayed for healing then all said, however, that we want God’s will first, not our will.

June 25, 2010
Tonight is a particularly hard night. I am tiring out faster even though I laid down today, I feel tired. I don’t feel like cooking much less cleaning up after I cook. A lot of this falls to Todd who works full time does some of the grocery shopping, and is working to get our house ready to sale. I feel so guilty that I can’t do it all. What makes my situation worse is knowing at the end of this pregnancy, after all the back pain and breathlessness, there may be no baby in my home. No baby to nurse or to take care of. I will have empty arms and a whole in my heart. I see why some people choose to induce and just skip this last trimester. It is the most difficult stage of pregnancy and it is 100 degrees outside!

Yet what I know is that God is near, God is faithful, and He will not abandon me in my time of need. I know when I wake up in the morning I will have renewed strength both physical and spiritual. I will be able to endure the length of this pregnancy, not by my own strength, but by His.
Thank you God.

When Emma was born, the doctors told us we would probably have two hours with her. She had an acute case of anencephaly with the brain being exposed. To their amazement, and ours, we were able to spend close to 36 hrs with her. This allowed all who wanted, to hold her, speak things to her, and share in our experience. Later, I have decided this has been crucial to my healing. My family and friends have the same experience I had. Emma Grace is so very real to them because they were able to see her, touch her, and be touched by her, instead of just hearing about it from us.

The nursed came in every two hours to check her breathing and her heart rate. Even though she was a tiny 3lbs 15oz she had such a strong heart and a tremendous set of lungs. We had the kids kiss their sister "good-bye" when they were going home that first night. Our dear first daughter Hattie just didn't think it was fair that she wouldn't get to see her baby sister "just one more time". Todd explained that on this side of heaven, this was her "one more time". We went to bed taking turns sleeping/holding Emma during the night not expecting her to make it until dawn. I remember watching the clock at 2:00am she was still breathing, 4:00am still the same, at 7:00am I had Todd call his sister to bring our children back to the hospital so they could get that one more time chance with our baby.

She survived all the next day. We had tons of family in and out of our room, the hospital showed us great favor and allowed us to stay in the same room until God took Emma home. It sounds strange, but I started getting a little uneasy about our next step. I couldn't imagine taking her home in her condition...she couldn't swallow, she spit up gastric juices and choked a little sometimes on what she couldn't spit out. There were so many things going through my mind that panic set in.
After speaking to the neonatal doctor, who we knew well because he helped Miles, I was beside myself for the first time since we had found out the news. Todd was so wonderful and calm. He proclaimed that we wouldn't make any decisions about feeding tubes or taking her home until the next morning after breakfast. This settled me down so that I could enjoy my daughter more.
Around 5:00p the day after she was born, Todd felt everyone needed to say good-bye to Emma Grace and go home. We had five of our dearest friends in the world stay with us to talk and pray. At one point we thought God was calling her home, so we encouraged her to go see Jesus where she would be whole and well. She hung on though, and after everyone left Todd instructed me to try to sleep. He laid down with our daughter and slept for a while. An hour later I could see him walking her around in the shadows. I saw him rocking her and talking to her, but I knew he wanted to sheild anything uncomfortable from me, so I just laid there in bed knowing the end was very near. A half hour later he brought Emma's body to me, her spirit was safely home.

We called the nurse, who came in to check the heartbeat that wasn't there, she called the doctor to declare death at 12:30a. The nurse took Emma's body to the nursery as per our request. She was no longer there, we were at peace with sending her body to the caring nurses in the hospital. The nurse asked if I needed something to help me sleep, and I declined. Todd and I laid down. Everything in me wanted scream "No not my baby, please God", but I did not. I knew my husband had been up all night and needed rest. So, with a lump in my throat and a prayer in my heart, I went to sleep in Todd's arms.

The next day we went home and explained to the kids that Emma Grace was home. It was the most difficult day of my life. I never imagined it would be so hard, since we had known ahead of time and prepared our hearts. But that sweet baby stole away any sense of knowing, she grabbed our hearts and we just weren't ready to let her go. All day Monday I was in a fog. I did my best to put on a happy face for my other sweet babies, but when I was alone, tears fell like rain.

Tuesday, Todd and I had much to do with funeral and burial arrangements. We had a friend watch the kids for us, and we spent the day with the funeral home director and three florists trying to find the one God wanted us to use. During all the questions/ answers and decision making Todd and I both said that we were better emotionally. The next day we felt even better, and by the time Emma's memorial service came around on Thursday, we both were able to talk and share at the visitation and service without tears. We know God's hand was on us helping to tell the story about what He was doing.

All of this leads me to the main point. This was something God was doing. There are several stories about family and friends who have come to know God during this situation. We both feel honored He could trust us with this task. It has changed our lives and the lives of so many of those around us who have allowed God to work through Emma Grace. We are very proud parents and know heaven is even sweeter now that we look forward to sharing it with our daughter.